Sunday, February 06, 2005
*Warning*. This blog entry contains material of an incredibly angry, caustic, swear-happy nature. Parental discretion is advised. No, seriously. This is one for the record books. Put the kids to bed before you read this and clear your history after you’re done. It might not even be legal to read these words in some areas. Turn back now. You probably don’t want to read this. It’s not nice. It’s not pretty. It’s a catharsis. Lot of swearing, lot of mindlessness. That’s why the ****Warning****. You keep reading; you’ve been warned. This is going to hurt.
* * * *
I.
Fucking.
Hate.
School.
I hate it. I hate it more than I hate anything else in my life. I despise school. USC could be wiped off the face of the earth tomorrow and I would do a little jig. What’s that? All the work I’ve done on my masters degree is for naught? Well who cares? I don’t have to do this stupid shit anymore! I can go back to a regular life full of, gee, I dunno, ENJOYMENT and OCCASIONAL REST, and NOT FUCKING WANTING TO BASH MY HEAD IN!
What the hell, what the fucking hell? This is stupid. This was an uninformed decision. Excuse me, sir, do you regret anything? I’m going to be famous one day, and someone’s going to ask me if I regret anything, and I’m going to say, “Yeah, I regret getting my skullfucking masters degree because it was the worst decision I ever made.”
I am miserable all the fucking time. I don’t rest. Just, ever. When I come home from work, I get to eat dinner, and then I have to get right to watching my class right away or I won’t finish it before the end of the day. How come? Because it’s like hitting yourself in the face. Think of it like that. That’s a good metaphor. For every hour of class I watch, it’s like I have to hit myself in the head, repeatedly, for an hour. Just imagine that. You’ve spent a long day at work, you come home, and you have to sit down and hit yourself in the face for 1.5 hours. And you can’t just not do it. You have to, you don’t have a choice. And you can try and dress it up, but it’s still ‘you hitting self in face’. And that’s my short day. I have 4.5 hours of class to watch on Thursday. FOUR and a HALF FUCKING HOURS! BLOODY SKULLFUCKING DEATHSHITTER! GWARG!
And that’s before the homework. Yeah. Homework. It has consumed my weekends. That’s right. I watch classes on weekdays, I do homework on weekends. That’s it. That’s my rest time, right there. Because before I can even start working on my homework, I have to read my textbook. Have you ever read a textbook? No, no you fucking haven’t! Because you know it’s a horrible, hideous idea. Because textbooks are shit! Because if you could read a fucking textbook and learn the fucking material on your own, you wouldn’t need a bloody fucking teacher, now would you? No! I’d just read this shit and you’d be out of a fucking job! But I don’t, and you know why? Because reading textbooks is a stupid fucking idea! But you know what? It’s just like hitting myself in the face, I have to do it. I have to read it to do the homework so I can get the grades and keep Raytheon happy so they don’t make me bay for these bloody wastes of time they call ‘education’.
Don’t. Don’t even try to make this okay. Don’t be like. “Aww, it’ll be over soon.” Or, “You’ll be so happy when you’re done.” Damn straight I’m going to be happy when it’s done, wouldn’t you be happy to get a pencil removed from your eye after having it in for two years? That’s not the point! If I were stabbing myself in the left leg, you wouldn’t be like, ‘oh, it’s okay’. No! You’d be like, “Shit! Stop fucking stabbing yourself! Why are you doing something like that?” You wouldn’t be like “Well, at least you’re not stabbing yourself in *both* legs.” This isn’t okay. It’s not good. It’s bad. I shouldn’t feel okay about it because it isn’t fucking okay. It’s horrible! It’s bad through and through. I don’t care if I get a masters degree out of this. I don’t fucking care! I’m miserable. I hate everything. I don’t have any time for myself or for anything I want to do. I fucking hate school and it makes me angry about every fucking thing else.
I rest in snippets. I can’t read 50 pages of a textbook all at once. I can’t watch 4.5 hours of class. So the only time I really get to rest is when I put this shit on pause and go do something else. It never lasts. You have to go back. Another 2 hours of self-inflicted pain. Good fucking luck getting some rest about that. I watch TV to relax, T-fucking-V. Because it’s the only way to just turn my brain off. Just totally off. Fuck it. I’m not learning shit today. Go away.
And work too! They’re teaching me new shit at work! I wouldn’t mind, if that was it, but it’s like trying to stuff an entire loaf of Wonderbread down your throat. Sure you can do it if you try hard enough, but why would anyone do that shit? It’s a stupid fucking idea. So is college.
I don’t get days off. I don’t have days when there isn’t any stupid shit for me to do. There’s always stupid shit for me to do. There may be *hours* where there isn’t any stupid shit for me to do, but never a full day. I’ve got homework to do and studying to do and a textbook to fucking read and I haven’t even started my shitsucking project yet! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Do you know the most common phrase I utter these days? “I’d love to, but I’ve got school.” Take a fun class? “School.” Play the drums? “School”. Hobbies? “School”. Vacation? Gee, I dunno, but it’ll have to happen around fucking school!
You know what? If you want to get your degree while working? Don’t. Just fucking don’t. This isn’t an argument. It’s a fucking statement. Don’t. You need extra money? I recommend prostitution. At least there is a *chance* you’ll enjoy prostitution.
I need a fucking drink.
Serious. When this semester is over, I’m going to drink for a day. And when my degree is over I’m going to drink for a week. Just straight. I’m going to bring a bottle of vodka to my last final, and when I hand it in I’m going to walk out the door and just drink the whole fucking thing. And I’ll black out and spend the next week in a drunken stupor and just let the pressure fucking drain. I don’t care. I hope I kill off every brain cell that was ever tainted with any knowledge of how to calculate the estimate of the Power Spectral Density. IT’S THE FORNIER TRANSFORM OF THE AUTOCORRELATION ESTIMATE! WHO FUCKING CARES?
You want to know why I’m doing this? I gave up complaining about school for Lent. This is my fat Tuesday, where I get it all out of the way. But you know why I’m not posting this on Tuesday? Huh? Do you? Here, come close, I’ll whisper it in your ear…
BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE FUCKING TIME ON TUESDAY BECAUSE STUPID SHITWHORING THUGFUCKING MOTHERBITCHING ASS-DEATH-WHORING SKULLFUCKING SCHOOL!!!!!!
I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it to death. I wish it would just die. I hate school, I hate school, I fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking hate school. Just fucking die. Fucking get off my back and die. I hate you; you are the worst fucking thing ever. Why are you even still fucking here? Just fuck off and die. Go play in traffic. Fuck you, school, fuck you for making me miserable, fuck you for taking two fucking years from me, fuck you for making me hate engineering, fuck you for keeping me from being happy, fuck you for making me angry, fuck you for making me swear, fuck you for making me a whiny little bitch who only complains about school, fuck you and your presumption, and your emotionlessness, and your bloody tasks, and your fucking projects, and your stupid-as-shit homework, and your fucking lectures, and your useless fucking discussions and your expensive fucking textbooks and your costs and your demands and every single, solitary, stupid, fucking thing about you.
I fucking hate school.
* * * *
I.
Fucking.
Hate.
School.
I hate it. I hate it more than I hate anything else in my life. I despise school. USC could be wiped off the face of the earth tomorrow and I would do a little jig. What’s that? All the work I’ve done on my masters degree is for naught? Well who cares? I don’t have to do this stupid shit anymore! I can go back to a regular life full of, gee, I dunno, ENJOYMENT and OCCASIONAL REST, and NOT FUCKING WANTING TO BASH MY HEAD IN!
What the hell, what the fucking hell? This is stupid. This was an uninformed decision. Excuse me, sir, do you regret anything? I’m going to be famous one day, and someone’s going to ask me if I regret anything, and I’m going to say, “Yeah, I regret getting my skullfucking masters degree because it was the worst decision I ever made.”
I am miserable all the fucking time. I don’t rest. Just, ever. When I come home from work, I get to eat dinner, and then I have to get right to watching my class right away or I won’t finish it before the end of the day. How come? Because it’s like hitting yourself in the face. Think of it like that. That’s a good metaphor. For every hour of class I watch, it’s like I have to hit myself in the head, repeatedly, for an hour. Just imagine that. You’ve spent a long day at work, you come home, and you have to sit down and hit yourself in the face for 1.5 hours. And you can’t just not do it. You have to, you don’t have a choice. And you can try and dress it up, but it’s still ‘you hitting self in face’. And that’s my short day. I have 4.5 hours of class to watch on Thursday. FOUR and a HALF FUCKING HOURS! BLOODY SKULLFUCKING DEATHSHITTER! GWARG!
And that’s before the homework. Yeah. Homework. It has consumed my weekends. That’s right. I watch classes on weekdays, I do homework on weekends. That’s it. That’s my rest time, right there. Because before I can even start working on my homework, I have to read my textbook. Have you ever read a textbook? No, no you fucking haven’t! Because you know it’s a horrible, hideous idea. Because textbooks are shit! Because if you could read a fucking textbook and learn the fucking material on your own, you wouldn’t need a bloody fucking teacher, now would you? No! I’d just read this shit and you’d be out of a fucking job! But I don’t, and you know why? Because reading textbooks is a stupid fucking idea! But you know what? It’s just like hitting myself in the face, I have to do it. I have to read it to do the homework so I can get the grades and keep Raytheon happy so they don’t make me bay for these bloody wastes of time they call ‘education’.
Don’t. Don’t even try to make this okay. Don’t be like. “Aww, it’ll be over soon.” Or, “You’ll be so happy when you’re done.” Damn straight I’m going to be happy when it’s done, wouldn’t you be happy to get a pencil removed from your eye after having it in for two years? That’s not the point! If I were stabbing myself in the left leg, you wouldn’t be like, ‘oh, it’s okay’. No! You’d be like, “Shit! Stop fucking stabbing yourself! Why are you doing something like that?” You wouldn’t be like “Well, at least you’re not stabbing yourself in *both* legs.” This isn’t okay. It’s not good. It’s bad. I shouldn’t feel okay about it because it isn’t fucking okay. It’s horrible! It’s bad through and through. I don’t care if I get a masters degree out of this. I don’t fucking care! I’m miserable. I hate everything. I don’t have any time for myself or for anything I want to do. I fucking hate school and it makes me angry about every fucking thing else.
I rest in snippets. I can’t read 50 pages of a textbook all at once. I can’t watch 4.5 hours of class. So the only time I really get to rest is when I put this shit on pause and go do something else. It never lasts. You have to go back. Another 2 hours of self-inflicted pain. Good fucking luck getting some rest about that. I watch TV to relax, T-fucking-V. Because it’s the only way to just turn my brain off. Just totally off. Fuck it. I’m not learning shit today. Go away.
And work too! They’re teaching me new shit at work! I wouldn’t mind, if that was it, but it’s like trying to stuff an entire loaf of Wonderbread down your throat. Sure you can do it if you try hard enough, but why would anyone do that shit? It’s a stupid fucking idea. So is college.
I don’t get days off. I don’t have days when there isn’t any stupid shit for me to do. There’s always stupid shit for me to do. There may be *hours* where there isn’t any stupid shit for me to do, but never a full day. I’ve got homework to do and studying to do and a textbook to fucking read and I haven’t even started my shitsucking project yet! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Do you know the most common phrase I utter these days? “I’d love to, but I’ve got school.” Take a fun class? “School.” Play the drums? “School”. Hobbies? “School”. Vacation? Gee, I dunno, but it’ll have to happen around fucking school!
You know what? If you want to get your degree while working? Don’t. Just fucking don’t. This isn’t an argument. It’s a fucking statement. Don’t. You need extra money? I recommend prostitution. At least there is a *chance* you’ll enjoy prostitution.
I need a fucking drink.
Serious. When this semester is over, I’m going to drink for a day. And when my degree is over I’m going to drink for a week. Just straight. I’m going to bring a bottle of vodka to my last final, and when I hand it in I’m going to walk out the door and just drink the whole fucking thing. And I’ll black out and spend the next week in a drunken stupor and just let the pressure fucking drain. I don’t care. I hope I kill off every brain cell that was ever tainted with any knowledge of how to calculate the estimate of the Power Spectral Density. IT’S THE FORNIER TRANSFORM OF THE AUTOCORRELATION ESTIMATE! WHO FUCKING CARES?
You want to know why I’m doing this? I gave up complaining about school for Lent. This is my fat Tuesday, where I get it all out of the way. But you know why I’m not posting this on Tuesday? Huh? Do you? Here, come close, I’ll whisper it in your ear…
BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE FUCKING TIME ON TUESDAY BECAUSE STUPID SHITWHORING THUGFUCKING MOTHERBITCHING ASS-DEATH-WHORING SKULLFUCKING SCHOOL!!!!!!
I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it to death. I wish it would just die. I hate school, I hate school, I fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking hate school. Just fucking die. Fucking get off my back and die. I hate you; you are the worst fucking thing ever. Why are you even still fucking here? Just fuck off and die. Go play in traffic. Fuck you, school, fuck you for making me miserable, fuck you for taking two fucking years from me, fuck you for making me hate engineering, fuck you for keeping me from being happy, fuck you for making me angry, fuck you for making me swear, fuck you for making me a whiny little bitch who only complains about school, fuck you and your presumption, and your emotionlessness, and your bloody tasks, and your fucking projects, and your stupid-as-shit homework, and your fucking lectures, and your useless fucking discussions and your expensive fucking textbooks and your costs and your demands and every single, solitary, stupid, fucking thing about you.
I fucking hate school.
Comments:
Okay...calm down, and just tell me...
When are the pancakes arriving in the mail again?
--Dave
When are the pancakes arriving in the mail again?
--Dave
# posted by 
: February 7, 2005 at 1:28 PM
: February 7, 2005 at 1:28 PM
Yeah dude. Me too. I don't have the job, just the sesne of impending doom that I need to find one, or another school. And more money. It could be worse (maybe)-- you could be doing all that work-- and be poor.
S
S
# posted by : February 7, 2005 at 4:48 PM
: February 7, 2005 at 4:48 PM
I understand that you want to wallow in this anger and frustration and don't want to be talked out of it, But, hey, can I just point out that the "price" you're paying is actually very concrete. It very much has a figure attached to the sacrifice. If you figure this extra degree increases your earning potential and would have had some appeal as a stand-alone process, then you have to start adding that increase to your ledger. Doing it without the job would have been more human, absolutely, but you would have been down, what, 12 - 18 months of income? The schooling itself would have cost you 20-30K?? So, I'm figuring that this is a 6-figure purgatory you're in that will end, will end, will end, someday not far away.
I remember feeling absolutely trapped and punished in the early days of my residency. Never knew enough, responsible for every thing that went wrong, abused by staff, patients, co-workers, never, ever enough time to get ahead, etc. One of my senior residents wistfully recalled surviving the first year that I was in at the time. His comment was, "You know, at the end of a day as the Walk-in Doctor in clinic, I would go down to the the Men's Room at the Greyhound bus terminal and give free blow-jobs to get my self-respect back". Some things feel like that, and we all survive. No one is shooting at you. Many, many people still love you. Someone right for you is still out there waiting for you. I hope you can remember some of these things. Though it doesn't feel like much, your parents are full of admiration and love for you. Dad
I remember feeling absolutely trapped and punished in the early days of my residency. Never knew enough, responsible for every thing that went wrong, abused by staff, patients, co-workers, never, ever enough time to get ahead, etc. One of my senior residents wistfully recalled surviving the first year that I was in at the time. His comment was, "You know, at the end of a day as the Walk-in Doctor in clinic, I would go down to the the Men's Room at the Greyhound bus terminal and give free blow-jobs to get my self-respect back". Some things feel like that, and we all survive. No one is shooting at you. Many, many people still love you. Someone right for you is still out there waiting for you. I hope you can remember some of these things. Though it doesn't feel like much, your parents are full of admiration and love for you. Dad
# posted by : February 7, 2005 at 9:55 PM
: February 7, 2005 at 9:55 PM
...and, on the yet *further* plus side, I feel much better after writing that monstrosity up there.
-N
-N
And for added hilarity, go back through your post and imagine it being read by one of those people who does voiceovers to make movies that shouldn't be on TV, okay to be on TV.
ie:
"FOUR and a HALF [freakin] HOURS! BLOODY SKULL [thumping] DEATH[spitter]! GWARG"
Post a Comment
ie:
"FOUR and a HALF [freakin] HOURS! BLOODY SKULL [thumping] DEATH[spitter]! GWARG"
# posted by : February 8, 2005 at 9:18 AM
: February 8, 2005 at 9:18 AM